dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
