hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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