Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
These tits shall not be calmed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
