Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
