When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
