No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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