i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
