my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
