i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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