This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
