you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
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Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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