so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
