I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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