I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
