he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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