Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
