I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
