I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
