I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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