chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
