I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
