She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
tell me about the fingering
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