How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
