I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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