I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
