alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
