You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
