Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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