You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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