Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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