The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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