Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
