I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
