gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
