omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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