we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
