did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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