I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
