I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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