I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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