You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
this boner is exhausting
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
