i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
