I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
