can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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