i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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