Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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