Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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