He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
two words...techno handjob
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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