Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
