guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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