I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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