She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
