youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
