I smell stomach acid.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
