im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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