I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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