looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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