you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
