my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
