Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
