I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
These tits shall not be calmed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
