She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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