I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
