I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
