There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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