Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
