Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
