I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
