I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
